11. kesäkuuta 2017

1/2

Hey,

It's surprisingly difficult to write about feelings especially when it's something that you and I neither one of us want to hear. So to start off this letter I should probably establish why am I writing it. There are multiple reasons but the first one that comes to my mind is me. Yes, I obviously have not gotten the closure I was waiting for so this is the closest I can get to that. I need to get rid of everything that is in anyway related to you. I've been doing a pretty good job with that and now all I have to get rid of is this feeling. The feeling that in the past few months made me hate the people around me and life in general. I let you do a lot of things, but I won't let you ruin me.

Most probably you won't even read this, but I kinda hope you do. My intention is not to hurt you, but I do hope you understand what you did. Like I already said, you made me distant myself from everyone, you made me think that everyone is out there to get me and that I need the validation of others. The last one is the worst one yet. This didn't even happen during the past few months, no. This happened in some point during the past year and I will never forgive you you or myself for letting that happen.

You don't need to apologize. And obviously I know you won't. You said things that I never thought you could say to me and you said all that just to hurt me. I didn't want to care, but unfortunately I did. Within the first week without you I felt happy and glad. Not the first things you would imagine for someone to feel after what we went through. I was doing just fine. After a month or so another person, who maybe gets her own letter later...did what she did and both of  you worked your way to ruin me.

However, back to you. I don't even know what I have left to say to you. First I hoped all the best for you and wished that you'll do well in life, after that I hoped you burn in hell and your life turns to shit. But now... I don't care anymore. You can do whatever you want with your life and I don't care really what happens with it. How I see it is that you don't deserve the hate I felt for you, but you also don't deserve the prayers I sent out for you.

What I know now is that I don't want you to contact me or anyone who's in anyway involved with me. I don't want to hear or see what you're up to. I don't say that because I despise you or anything, I say that because I think I deserve better than to live in a constant hatred and insecurity. This letter is messy and I was really struggling to make sense out of it, but it's complicated, and I think you're the one who gets it.

I am not sorry for what happened. I did care about you. I never wanted to hurt you. But the problem was that you always loved me more than I loved you.

Goodbye.

23. huhtikuuta 2017

23.4.2017

Hello there. Somehow everytime I write anything in here it's a surprise, even for myself. I somehow always find my way back here with my problems. And I'm kinda happy that I have done that. I love going back to my old posts and reading how my life was then and seeing how much everything has changed. This is living proof that things can change a whole lot in a very short amount of time. And things can get better but they can also get worse. And the beauty of that is that you never know which one it's going to be.

So what is going on with me right now? Well. As I stated before, things change, as they should. I'm still a croupier, dealer, whatever you want to call it and I'm enjoying it. I'm working pretty much full time so I really don't have much going on besides work. That's great, I'm earning money and I have something to do. However, what I kinda find sad is that I do not have much going on besides work. I barely have any friends here, everyone is somewhere else and yes I have some friends here, but they are not the ones I can be 100% myself with. All these spring celebrations going on, even my birthday, and I have no one to celebrate with. And yes, that is a little bit sad. 

By the way my mind is like having 10 tabs open at once and while I'm on one of them I'm continuously wondering about the next one. 

Anyways.     As I've said in tons of my posts that I'm working on myself and I'm becoming more and more happy with who I'm becoming. Well, last night at 5am I had this realization that I'm doing fucking great job. I'm slowly becoming the person I look up to in others and I'm actually doing progress. Yes, I am actually giving myself a compliment here. You can call that being selfish, arrogant, self-centered whatever. But for me that is something I'm proud of. I am that strong independent woman that I always dreamed about being. But also when I started looking back at how I got here, it's not that great of a story. It's actually not a story at all. Some people are just shitty. I want to believe in everything good in people, but that is a fact. Many people have hurt me and I can name about 5 people that have affected my development over the years in ways that I never thought people could. Some of them were more unpleasant than others, but if that was what took me here then I'm ever so grateful for everything they did. 

So yeah. People hurt me, I grew up, what a story. I know I hurt so many people along the way so I'm in no way saying I'm the victim or the saint in here, no way. I would say in someways I am also what some people would call damaged. I don't trust people to be there for me, but again I don't think that's such a bad thing. Here we go again to the cliche sentences you see in tumblr and all over the internet that are such bullshit but still relevant and relatable. So prepare yourself:

You should NEVER be dependent on other people, their opinions or validation. 

This image I have in my mind right now is a little baby learning how to walk. Other people are the bullies or the other babies who might do things seemingly better or faster than you. They are there to push you. And the only mistake you could do is to let them take you by the hand and help you stand. Then you'll only live in the illusion that you're standing and walking by yourself. In reality the moment they let go you're back in the ground sitting, crying, not being able to walk. 



I noticed that this got too deep too soon. I don't know if that image made any sense, but I hope some of you got the idea--

After this little inspirational imagery, I hope you can see what I mean by ''damaged''. I really don't like that word, but I use it cause that's what some people might think. They might think that a person needs other people to get through stuff and whatever. They don't agree. That's okay, that's good. This is just how I see it.

Jumping around from topic to topic just to keep you alert and confused as fuck.

So recently I've lost few very close friends of mine. No they didn't die, they didn't go anywhere, but I decided not to have them in my life anymore. Toxic relationship, you know. I think I made a good decision and life goes on.

There are multiple events that got me into the point where I didn't feel like those people were doing any good for me. There is also one issue in particular that kinda is related to one of these two ex-friends, but mainly to the other people that are still part of this story called my life. And on that note once we've gotten to me opening up about things, here we go again ----


I cannot take judgement of any kind. Obviously everyone is guilty for judging someone, but I like to avoid that at all costs. Cause everyone makes their own decisions and all decisions should be respected. Therefore it makes sense that I am not happy when other people do not respect my decisions and end up pushing their judgements in my face.

I hear comments on my relationships and future decisions all the damn time. And just for the record, I do not appreciate those comments. If I want to cut someone out of my life that is my decision and I should never be made feel bad about making it. Nor do I want to hear comments on how I should react to my own decisions. I react the way I do. I believe that everything happens for a reason so I am not going to sit here and be all upset about life.

Cause what is that going to change? Spoiler alert - nothing.

I am sick and tired of people telling me how to react to things. I am also sick and tired of being told that I am not good enough for something or made feel that way.   Cause, that is just something that I would never ever do to that person.

I am sorry that this post took such a turn, but hey. I really think this is something that some people in specific should hear and the others should understand. Other people should take the advice and the others could relate and feel inspired.

As always, thank you for reading, have a super amazing day/week/month. Byee!

12. lokakuuta 2016

Wait Whaaaaaat!?

Wait whaaaaat! Yes it's been pretty quiet in here but I'm back (at least for this one post). I opened my blog for the first time for a full year and wow things are different now, again. I graduated high school, I got a job, my acne came back and my future plans are waay different. So let's start with the first one - I graduated wohoo, who could have thought. I'm happy to be out of high school but I'm also sad about being out of St Petersburg. Oh yeah I don't live there anymore. I moved back to Finland where I currently live with my parents and work at a casino as a dealer. I know, I have a pretty cool job. I started there in june and last week's tuesday marked 4 months that I've already worked there.
I've been pretty busy with work and I've been liking it so far. However I'm also ready to say bye bye to this town and continue my way to some other random country (Scotland wink wink). I've started working on SATs and my UCAS applications and let's all hope that I'll finally get my ass to an university this time around :D
Oh yeah, my acne is back. That's mainly the reason why I came back to read old posts and look at old photos of me. Life is testing my self-esteem once again. This time I'm trying to remind myself from the beginning to not let it affect me so much, but obviously it will affect me at least a little bit but I'm not gonna let it go too far.  I'm currently struggling with figuring things out again, even tho I do have the schools I'm going to apply to and I'm not too lost where I stand in life, but still I feel like some of my relationships are slightly getting in the way of my plans. I feel like I need to get rid of those people in my life but again I don't wanna hurt anyone, so you see the struggle right? Also I feel like I cannot be in a relationship when I'm having hard time believing in myself and being confident, cause in that case I would be driving to get the attention and acceptance from that one person which again would mean that I would be dependent on someone. And that's not what we want.
I think I somewhat went all over the place but I also did mention about the important things going in my head and life at the moment. And as always if you happen to read this and you have no idea what I'm talking about and what I wrote did not make sense, do not worry honey. That's the way this blog is and has always been, I write as long as I come into some conclusion and usually it ends up being confusing as fuck to everybody else :D

Anyway, if anyone happens to read this blog anymore, hello and thank you for reading :) Have a super nice day and enjoy the rest of the week!

21. syyskuuta 2015

HELLO!

Hello anyone who's reading this and thank you for still staying around! haha. If you're not updated; I have a Youtube account and I think you should go and check it out for some really cool and fun stuff :)
I'm not gonna say I've been busy, because I should have been but I haven't. I've been mainly busy procrastinating if something. However I cam in to upload some new photos so you don't have the opportunity to actually forgot about my face. But yes, go and see all my other social media where I'm more active like Instagram, Youtube and maaybe now on also Periscope! If you do not know what Periscope is, it's basically an app where you can shoot live videos and chats with all different people and I'm not yet really using it, but I would loove to try it out one day! I'll inform about it on my instagram account when that would be happening so stay tuned for that possibly and join me! I have some events in my mind that I for sure wanna do through Periscope but I'll hope I have some other things also coming up before that.
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22. heinäkuuta 2015

OBSESSIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE

I don't even know how is this happening, that every single year during the summer (mostly in the end of it) I start to get these super weird obsessions. When I have so much time for myself to do basically nothing, I start to get all these new crazy ideas that I get super excited for. Last year I remember I started filming more videos, I was obsessed with reggae music, I tried to get back into cheerleading and also that was when I was really starting to focus on beauty and makeup stuff. This year it's getting even more weird.
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If you check one post from May(or somewhere around that time), where I explain little about my fitness goals, you can see I started a second Instagram, I started tracking my eatings and workouts. However by the end of May when I had to really put all my focus on school I didn't have time or energy for that so I stopped. I enjoyed it soooo much and it did really work for me, but the pause that I thought would have lasted for few weeks extended to few months and here I am again, not fit, not really doing anything and really lazy. I have this desire to get back on track and go back to gym etc. But for me going to the public gym is not an option. (and about that you can read in one of my previous posts) I really want to get back home (to st petes) to continue going to my gym, getting back on that everyday routine of school and schedule, because I don't do that well when I have all this spare time.
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Also I am one of those kids (actually the only one I know) who is actually excited for school. Let me be honest here; I hate my school and how they run it, but I do wanna go there back. I think they have some how brainwashed me, but I really wanna see the new people, I wanna get back on that schedule like I said. Let's not be boring and talk about school here when I at least still have 3,5 weeks (almost a month) of summer vacay left!
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I am currently also obsessed with this artist named Ella Eyre that I actually only found today! She has some awesome songs and I'm really loving it for chillin' and when I'm just doing my thing, so please check it out if you're up for some new playlists! :)

18. heinäkuuta 2015

JULY - MONTH OF FAILURE

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Today me and Karo took the advantage of that one day that the weather was good again and spent the day in the center. We went through some shops and I actually found one new shirt and pants! Then we sat down in few cafes, had dinner and now after a small pause we're planning on taking again this really nice evening walk. And by walking I mean probably crawling. I seriously ate today a one WHOLE pizza which wasn't the smallest pizza ever...
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The plans for next week are gonna suck. Not even trying to make it sound like it would be okay with me that our plans with Vilma PERFECTLY failed. So the plan was to go to this festival Qstock, however since we were not on time with buying the tickets so we missed it and there's no tickets left for us. Well meanwhile we are trying to make this up and figure out something else I cannot get over the fact that I have only two more weeks here in Rovaniemi and my plans are just going down like a waterfall.
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16. heinäkuuta 2015

ARE YOU WITH ME

Heelloo! It's been a while again since I've written basically anything! Well, since last time quite a lot has happened.. First of all my school ended and I started my summer holiday. The first weeks of my holiday I spent in St Petes and in the beginning of July I arrived to Finland. Also I'm freaking out about next years university searches and SAT that I should be preparing for. However, summer holiday is my holy time to not to worry about school when it for once is actually possible. I got a job as a babysitter for the summer and by that money I've been gotten some new pieces to my family. Still most of it I reeeally need t save for next summer's vacay since I have some big plans for example traveling to multiple places.
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Jul

The weather has been soo bad that I haven't done much. Mostly I've been trying to finish any tv series I have in mind, for example Orange is the New Black. Let me say a few words about it! The first episodes that I watched I seriously thought that any human being that actually watches this show is crazy or somehow mentally unstable. Well,  now I'm one of them. I'm almost done with the 3rd season and cannot wait for the fourth :D So please if you have any tv shows for me to watch, feel free to suggest!
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Few days ago we finally got to take some photos with Karo and surprisingly
that photoshoot went successfully! I got some reeally nice photos and I hope that we'll have more of these days. I would loove to do this more often, but back home I rarely have anyone to go out and just take photos since even my sister moved away. Well, at least we always have such a good time with her once we reunite.
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I hope everyone has a great summer, but now I'll join these two idiots for cooking. Byee!